The Chauffeur

GREAT STORY, UNEXPECTED PUNCHLINE, ENJOY THIS Y’ALL !!!

 

PRICELESS

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his police car and called his supervisor.

“I know we are supposed to enforce the law,” the young trooper told his supervisor.  “But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more Important than that.”

After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because He’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

Priceless.  Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.  'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never  Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'  The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'  Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.  A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.  The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.  The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.  He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'  The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'  The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'  The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'   The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'  After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'  The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Politically incorrect humor

Nothing like a little politically incorrect humor to help move us into 2014!

Patrick The Poet

I HAD A DREAM

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, “George, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America,
and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner.”

Bush asked, “What was on the banner?”

Saddam responded, “It said Allah is God, and God is Allah.”

Bush said, “You know, Saddam, I’m really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even
more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner.”

Saddam said, “What was on the banner?”

Bush replied, “I really don’t know. I don’t read Hebrew.”

The triumph of age and experience

2013 pictures

Here is a fun, funny joke to help everyone get through another stressful, drab last day of the year!

Patrick The Poet

The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me…How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Amish discover the elevator!

A funny joke for this fine Poet’s Day!

Patrick The Poet

 

Subject: Amish discover the elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
Go get your Mother!”
 

What do you study?

This’ll teach her!

Patrick The Poet

 

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied in a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said with a laugh: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”

You can’t make this stuff up!!!

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

 
You just can’t make this stuff up.

Patrick The Poet
*:-B nerd

 

You can’t make this stuff up!!!
New sign at Wal-Mart

AB341C76013C49A080625E7AA1C55C71 

Our society is doomed…………..

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”

Leah?? NO

Lee – A?? NOPE 

Lay – a?? NO 

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in
 Kansas City, Mo. 
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.” 


SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 
I said “May I have large bills, please”


She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size. “When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….


IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. 
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ 


We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. 


Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ 

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

— >From Kansas City 



IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’


Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’


She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS 


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. 

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.






STAY ALERT!

They walk among us……and theyVOTE.

 

Don’t Mess With Old People!

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”


He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.”


He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”


George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

(True Story)
I LOVE IT!

Don’t mess with old people.

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